The Carnival
by SneverusSnapers
Summary: Spock and Kirk in their days at the academy. Kirk has interesting plans at carnival time which involve Spock, a cauldron, poisonous chocolates, false teeth and a lot of red wall paint, and that's just for starters...
1. Part 1 The Float

The Carnival Part 1

Spock was sitting at his desk writing out the 'how to speak Klingonese' text book from memory.

Kirk burst into the room.

"Right, who can you be?" He questioned mysteriously, pointing his finger accusingly at Spock.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "That is a highly illogical question owing to the fact that I already have a name."

"No! Spock, I'm talking about the academy carnival. They've let us and a couple of pals have a float!"

"A float?" questioned Spock.

"Yeah, a big thingy you stand on at a carnival!"

"I am still at loss to understand precisely the use of this so called 'float', despite your _accurate_ description of the word"

"Well, it basically means we're part of the carnival!" Kirk said, face glowing.

"And I should be bothered because?" Spock said, accidentally letting his human half show. "What I mean to say is, can you give me a logical reason why I should take part in this forthcoming event, consequently being forced to surrender my study time?"

"Logical?...Stuff logical, we've gotta beat Finnegan, he's got hold of a float as well!"

"I thought as much." Spock replied, condescendingly.

"Well, I got together a few friends…" Kirk started.

"Namely?" Spock questioned.

"Oh, " said Kirk, trying to appear casual "just a few pals…Y'know…Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu…and…well another…"

"Another?" Spock encouraged, although he felt like a balloon had just deflated inside him. He knew perfectly well who 'another' was.

"Oh, hang it all Spock, McCoy too."

Spock raised an eyebrow. Then spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully: "Then…you…will not…be…short…of people....seeing….as…without me…you will…have…an equal number."

Kirk looked sceptically at Spock. "Spock, we know you have an obsession with equality, others, on the other hand do not."

Spock was taken aback "I do not have an obsession with equality, as you put it, and I will not take part in an illogical event."

"Not even if it's educational? Cultural, y'know?"

Spock tilted his head, contemplating the idea.

"But I need a Vulcan, Finnegan won't have a Vulcan!" Kirk exploded.

"I fail to see the importance of 'having a Vulcan' in the procedure."

"Alright Spock, alright…" Kirk gave in. He took a deep breath and thrusting forth his hands in a pleading gesture he continued: "We're doing heaven and hell…" he burst out "We need a convincing devil…your pointed ears could just help us out there."

Spock's eyebrow almost shot off the top of his forehead.

"And who will play God?"

"Is that a yes?" Kirk said hopefully.

"I wish to know who will be God."

"I'll tell you _if_- and only if- you be the devil."

"Purely for a cultural observance…"

"Yes, Yes…"

"And for educational reasons only…"

"Go on…"

"I will …"

"Yes or No Spock?"

"have to consent to joining your 'float'."

Kirk leapt onto Spock's bed and pranced up and down. There was an almighty crash as Kirk disappeared in a mass of bedclothes.

"But you must repair my bed or I will join Finnegan's float."

"That's not FAIR!" Kirk erupted "You said you would BEFORE I broke the bed!"

"Well, I've changed my mind…I will be going to…"

"Hey…You keep CHOCOLATES under your mattress WITHOUT telling ME!"

"I…!"

"Well, I'm just going to have to try one…" Kirk sneered, grabbing at a chocolate.

"Jim, NO!" Spock bellowed, diving towards Kirk.

"Too late, buddy…" Kirk said menacingly and sunk his teeth in…

CRUNCH…


	2. Part 2 The Chocolates

The Carnival Part 2

Kirk opened his eyes. All he could see was white.

"I'VE GONE BLIND!" he screamed into the white oblivion.

"No, Jim, I believe you are looking at the ceiling." A surprisingly familiar voice wafted from his right.

Kirk rolled over suddenly and sat up. "you." He said, his voice laced with menace. "You TRICKED me!"

"Jim, I.."

"You made me eat those chocolates."

"I did warn you, Jim."

"You MADE me!"

"Jim, they were no chocolates…"

"You _said_ they were chocolates."

"Jim, I did not."

"You did too!"

"Jim, I DID NOT,"

"YOU DID TOO!"

_I am in control of my emotions, I am in control of my emotions…I am in control of my emotions…_

"I AM IN CONTROL OF MY EMOTIONS!" Spock blurted out.

The sickbay turned stonily silent as all heads swivelled towards Spock.

Spock wished he could have evapourated on the spot.

_Highly illogical._ He reminded himself. _Evapouration is part of the water cycle and although I am approximately 66.8734457% water, It is not logical that I could merely evapourate on the spot, so to speak._

Kirk smiled. "What was that I ate anyway?"

Spock frowned "I am not able to disclose that information to you, the 'chocolates' were in fact a highly poisonous substance from Vulcan."

"Highly POISONOUS?! How come I didn't die, and come to think of it, why was it under your bed?"

"Luckily I carry around an antidote, and…well…erm…I use it…on certain occasions."

"You kill people?" Kirk grinned.

"Now I asked you who was playing God." Spock continued, hastily changing the subject.

"Well…who in the group has the most…radiant….golden hair?"

Spock frowned "I am not aware that any of us have golden hair, I was under the impression that our hair is all of varying shades of black and brown."

"Spock! It's me Spock!"

"Highly illogical to call your hair a gold shade…It is in fact brown."

"Hey, you seen that 20th Century western?"

"Evidently I will not be able to answer that particular question as I am not aware precisely which 'western' you are referring to. And more to the point, why is everything centered on the 20th Century in Star Trek?"

"Well, the name escapes me, although it does feature a main character that has dark brown hair and is known as 'Blondie' to everyone."

"That is highly illogical." Said Spock

"Well, then I'll be illogical." Said Kirk defiantly.

Just then, McCoy appeared.

"Hey Kirk, Spock!" he said

_Oh no._ thought Spock

"I hear you fed him poisonous chocolates!" said McCoy, his face lighting up.

Then he cleared his throat and beckoned Spock towards him. Spock's brow creased quizzically.

"Come over here Spock…" he muttered.

Spock stood up and moved forward.

"Hey you got ay more of that…I could use a few…well there's this really annoying patient…keeps demanding a _real_ doctor, not just a trainee, I tell him repeatedly I _am _a real doctor…" Spock's eyebrow rose.

"Well…" McCoy noticed Spock's expression "I'm as good as one, in fact I'm _better_…I'm going to be a real doctor on board a mighty destroyer…"

"Don't you think _doctor_, you would be better suited to a frigate?" Spock replied coolly.

"Why you green blooded, pointed eared hobgoblin!" McCoy screeched.

Spock sighed. "I am becoming bored of that phrase McCoy."

Kirk whipped out of bed "Bored? Isn't that a human emotion Spock?"

McCoy and Kirk started a chant: "SPOCK'S A HUMAN, SPOCK'S A HUMAN, HE HAS EMOTIONS, HE HAS EMOTIONS!"

"As you are constantly reminding me, I am half human." Spock retorted "By the way, _doctor_, who is that patient of an annoying disposition that you so angrily grind your teeth over?"

"Oh…" said McCoy offhandedly "Some guy called Finnegan."

"Finnegan?" Kirk said quick as a flash "You got any of those chocolates left?"

"I will turn a blind eye as you continue to remove them from my top pocket." Spock said casually.


	3. Part 3 The Costume

The Carnival Part 3

Spock returned the remainder of his 'chocolates' to their usual place of residence, under his mattress. He wondered if what he had done was logical. It was logical that Finnegan should be punished, but was that the logical way to proceed? Spock was interrupted from his logical thoughts by Kirk bursting into the room with a smile plastered across his face. Kirk then flung a bright red garment at Spock.

"Your costume!" Kirk chirped

Spock rested his eyes upon the hideous red garment. And he noted, to his annoyance, that there was a sharp devil tail poking out of the bundle.

"I will NOT wear this!" Spock said sharply

"Come on Spock, it's… logical, yeah! If you are to join the festivities you have to make it as convincing as possible."

"But this is ridiculous!" continued Spock, aghast.

"Oh, forgot this." said Kirk, lobbing a plastic pitchfork towards Spock.

Spock caught it deftly and turned to face Kirk.

"May I enquire as to what use I am to put this?" Spock asked.

"It's a pitchfork!" said Kirk happily, as though this would explain all.

"Could you please expand on that last statement?"

"Oh…" said Kirk offhandedly "Well, it's a, er, thingy you – the devil that is- use to um, prod people, y'know!"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "_Prod _people?" he enquired.

"Yeah." said Kirk defiantly "_prod_ people."

"May I take a look at _your_ costume? I trust it will not be as parasitical as mine."

"Well, I'm God, Spock, Gods don't wear parasitical clothes."

"Am I to understand that parasitical clothes are worn purely by the devil then?" Spock asked.

"Well, the devil and his cronies."

"My _cronies?"_

"Your henchmen Spock, y'know, the other devils!"

"May I enquire as to just whom you are referring to?"

"Well, there's four angels-includin' me- and three devils- includin' you-."

"Those are uneven numbers, Jim."

"Yeah, well, it shows that the good guys always win!"

"That is not true, the 'bad guys' as you put it, often prevail."

"Well, that's not the point."

Spock frowned "May I enquire as to the names of my 'cronies'?"

"Well, "said Kirk shrugging, "I thought maybe you, Scotty and Chekov."

"And I understand that that would leave you, Uhura, Sulu and…_McCoy_ as angels?"

"Yup. Well what are you doing hanging around then? Get in the costume!" Kirk ordered.

"I believe that I have little other choice but to don this parasitical attire." Spock sighed.

"That's right, buddy!" Kirk said with a grin. "That's right…"

"How do I look?" said Kirk twirling in front of the mirror "Do I look like a God?"

"No." said Spock simply "You look like James Tiberius Kirk wrapped in a sheet and wearing a pair of wings and with a golden frisbee perched on top of your head."

"Aw, come on Spock, show a little imagination."

"Yeah." said McCoy appearing on the threshold. "We look like Gods if you think hard about it."

"Illogical." began Spock "The harder one thinks about it, the less likely one is to perceive a God standing in front of oneself."

"Well, we can't see much of your devil costume under that massive wooly refuge of yours!" said McCoy glaring at Spock.

"Yeah, Spock." said Kirk "Take off the jumper, we wanna see what you look like!"

Spock shrunk back.

"I agree." said Chekov definitely, "I do not vant to be ze only vun vearing zis devil costume."

Spock was unsure of how to escape from this situation.

"Come on Spock!" said Scotty "have you ever heard that phrase we're all in the same boat?"

"Why yes." said Chekov seriously "It is a Russian inwention."

Spock looked worriedly across the room, seeking out some means of escape, but he found none.

"Hey…" said Kirk, his face lighting up "You're not _embarrassed_ are you?"

"Of course not." Spock snapped, and with that, he pulled the jumper over his head.

"Is wery nice." said Chekov, a smile playing across his lips.

Spock was wearing red tights and a waistcoat of the same hue. He also carried a pitchfork and had a tail and a devil horns head band.

McCoy couldn't stifle his laughter any longer.

"We were gonna buy some fake ears!" he spluttered between torrents of laughter "But they were too expensive. We had to make do with you instead!"

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"There's something missing…" said Uhura slowly.

"What?" gasped McCoy.

"I got it!" said Scotty "We devils need red skin!"

"What?" said Spock, his eyes burning.

"I got the paint!" said Kirk holding a large tin of red paint.

"Jim…" began Spock in a slightly concerned manner "I believe that is paint to be applied only to walls."

"Oh, It'll be OK." said Scotty with a wave of the hand. "I've put wall paint on my skin before."

Spock relaxed a little.

"And the rash only lasted a week or two…"

Spock stiffened. He had no intention of ending up in the care of McCoy for a week or two.

Sulu advanced towards Spock with a paint roller in one hand and a pot of paint in the other.

Spock gulped.


	4. Part 4 The Carnival

The Carnival Part 4

Spock walked tentatively towards the float. His skin was dry and cracked, smothered in red wall paint. He shivered uncomfortably. Kirk began to order people around.

"Right Spock, get in the cauldron."

"I beg your pardon Jim; I think I just misheard you. If my ears were not blocked with paint, perhaps I could have heard correctly."

"I said GET IN THE CAULDRON!" Kirk yelled, jabbing a finger at a large cauldron situated on the bottom layer of the float.

Spock could have made no mistake this time so he reluctantly stepped into the cauldron.

"Jim, this seems highly illogical, if I remain in this cauldron, surely the whole objective will be defeated as the crowd will not be able to see me."

"No, no, no Spock." Kirk corrected "Every…half a minute or so you, er, pop out of the cauldron and wave your pitchfork about."

"Jim, I" began Spock, lost for words.

"Oh, and don't forget snarl!" added McCoy.

"Snarl?" questioned Spock

"Y'know…grrrrrr…" demonstrated Kirk.

"Vhat about us?" asked Chekov.

"Oh…you…er…prance around the cauldron waving your tails and throwing those fake teeth."

"What?!" roared Scotty…"_prance around_?"

"Yes, prance." said McCoy, and he did a small demonstration.

"Jim, " called Spock from inside the cauldron, his voice bouncing off the inside "May I enquire as to what _you_ will be doing?"

"Oh, us angels…well, I'll be standing up there like this:" he held his hands together as if praying "and the others will throw confetti, faces held aloft."

Spock raised an eyebrow.

"Come on then, what are we waiting for? Lets go!"

The float waltzed along the crowded streets.

"Look!" yelled Kirk "I see Ricky, he's on the flower girl display!"

Chekov laughed loudly.

McCoy gasped "Do that again!" he said excitedly, "It sounds really good for a devil!"

Chekov laughed again.

Spock leapt up from the cauldron and sneered.

Chapel, who was on the float in front, dressed as a mermaid, screamed.

Spock disappeared again.

"Oh look!" said Scotty excitedly and he stopped prancing to look at Kirk "There's a really good Bagpipe display!"

Chekov crashed into Scotty from behind.

"You moron!" he yelled angrily.

Spock leapt up from the cauldron, waved his pitchfork and threw a handful of false teeth behind him.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGHHHHHH!

"That went in my eye, you green blooded, pointed eared hobgoblin!" McCoy snarled viciously.

Spock disappeared hurriedly.

"Look, over there!". Kirk pointed excitedly to a float with just a coffin on it "That's Finnegan's float!"

"Where is everybody?" Uhura asked.

"I think that's Finnegan inside." said Sulu uncertainly.

"Yeah!" said Kirk "After we poisoned him, he isn't exactly in a fit state to be part of the float. Lucky he's doin' vampires!"

"Every now and again, a mechanism lifts him up!" said McCoy, grinning.

"But…" Uhura began "Where're the others?"

"Good question that." said Sulu, creasing his brow.

"Alright then God, if you're the all knowing, where _are_ the others?" questioned McCoy with a sneer.

"They're powering the mechanism of course!" said Kirk as though this was the most obvious thing in the world. "I heard Finnegan talking 'bout it the other day!"

Spock raised an eyebrow although nobody saw it as he was currently crouched in an excruciatingly painful position on the cauldron floor.

Finnegan's float was billowing clouds of black smoke which drowned out the heaven/hell display.

Kirk was livid "Give 'em all we've got boys! Throw those teeth, NOW!"

Scotty and Chekov lobbed armfuls of fake shark teeth in the general direction of Finnegan's float.

McCoy gave them all h e had with the confetti.

"It's not working!" said Sulu worriedly

"Never mind, we're almost at the finish now, anyway." Uhura comforted.

Everyone leapt down from the float…everyone except Spock that is…

"Spock, get outta there!" Kirk called down the neck of the gloomy cauldron.

"Jim, I am, I believe what you would call 'stuck'."

McCoy looked up, face glowing "What! This is the best I've heard all day!"

"Jim, I suggest that you contact security and request that they remove me from this vile thing."

Chekov hooted with laughter "That's a cauldron , is a Russian inwention!"

"I am fully aware what it is!" Spock snapped "Just get me out of here!"


End file.
